


Stand up comedy

by Braschtz



Category: Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow, American Revolution RPF, Historical RPF
Genre: Comedy, Edible, Historical Lams, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Stand Up Comedy, Weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26842483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Braschtz/pseuds/Braschtz
Summary: Alexander is lawyer, but sometimes the stress and “spotlight” of the courts isn’t enough, so he also is a stand up comedian in his free time. Tonight, in one of his live shows he tells the audience how he ended up married to his best friend.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Stand up comedy

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was my entry for the #LamsMonth (by @/Historysalt on Instagram) way back in may, for day 20-Smoke.

Alexander came into the spotlight, accompanied by a series of applause. He adjusted the microphone to his height and took a deep breath. Hamilton enjoyed the feeling of being in a stage, being the center of attention. He was a layer, after all, but the difference between the court and this is the informality of it. He wasn't defending anyone, he was there to make people laugh, tell silly jokes and dumb stories. It was much of a relief to him, getting away from all the bad energy of his work.   
"Hello everyone, good night!" he greeted with a smile and heard a few murmurs greeting him back.  
"You know, it's a pleasure to be here. Not only a pleasure but a miracle as well.   
I ran out of gas on my way here. Yeah, I was scared as fuck you know, almost couldn't get here in time, but thanks to two crackheads who helped me, I arrived." a few laughs from the crowd.  
"the scene was pretty funny. Imagine me in my car, panicking cuz I'm out of gas and then suddenly a man with a... Strong smell taps on my window, I roll it down and he says: 'looks like you need a little help.' with the weirdest face ever." more laughs.  
"I looked at him and said that yes, obviously I needed a 'little help' but I only had 3 dollars on my wallet. He looked at me like I just offered him a million dollars or something and said "yeah, that will work" and he called his fairy crackhead assistant and pushed my car for like, a mile until we got at the gas station."   
"Before I could say anything I realized that I was on the wrong side of the bomb, so this is me, looking like an idiot." the audience giggled as Hamilton pretended to try to fill his car on the other side of the bomb and failing miserably.   
"But then, I heard someone say behind me: 'Looks like you need a little help.'" the crowd snorted  
"guess who said that? That's right, smelly Jesus crackhead. And guess what I told him? Yes, I needed help but I only had 3 dollars. He looked at me like I just offered him a puppy and says: 'that will work.'" more laughter.

"So, in the end, I got here, obviously, " he gesticulated to himself. "thanks to those 2 drugged fellas."   
"Look, I don't blame them. It must feel pretty neat or something, (or maybe it's just addiction), but I think smoking is bad for you. I use my voice a lot, my job depends on it, so no way I could ever smoke cuz you know, I'm pretty damn scared of lung cancer... So I eat my drugs cuz I'm a starved motherfucker, hell yeah!" The audience laughed and cheered at him.  
"Edibles are the shit man! Save yourself from cancer, eat the drugs, eat the shit! Fucking eat it! Where are all my edible users today huh?!" the crowd cheered even more.  
"That's right, look at all those stoners ... Fuck yeah, love America." he took the mic out of its support and started to slowly walk around the stage as he spoke.

"The fun part is that the first time I tried it, I was not on purpose. It happened a few years ago, I was at a dinner party with 15 friends of mine to watch a game or something. Everyone brought food, we set the table, it was all looking very nice... But over there, isolated from the rest of the food was one brownie." he made gestures as he told the story.  
"And if you're a starved motherfucker who really likes brownies... You'd do what every starved motherfucker would do..." Giggles cloud be heard from the public  
"So I set up a plan: I would go to the bathroom, wash my hands and then I'd eat the whole brownie and act like I never saw the motherfucker." more laughs.  
"But apparently I took to long in the bathroom, cuz when I came back, someone had parted the brownie into 45 individual little pieces. So I gave up, decided that I would eat one of them and then find something else cuz I didn't want to be a selfish bitch and eat it all you know?"

"But when I swallowed the thing I realized that it probably was the most delicious, amazing, moisturized piece of brownie that I've ever had in my entire life..."   
"So guess what I did? That's right, I ate another one... And another one... And another one... And when I was on my 15th piece of brownie, my friend, the host of the party, comes to me and says: 'bitch, what are you doing?'  
'I'm eating this amazing brownie.'  
'Those have weed in them! What the fuck Alexander!'  
And, as arrogant as I could possibly be, I told him: 'well then it's better you get your money back cuz I don't feel a single fucking thing.'" more laugher echoed the room.

"Now, the people who are laughing are the ones who had been high.. All I know is that 45 minutes later, my heart was beating so loud that I could hear it. And then, I swear to God, I heard a voice... In the back of my head... That sounded exactly the same as John Mulaney..."  
the audience laughed once again.  
"Whispered to me: 'It's showtime!'  
The next thing I know is that I'm in my friend's basement singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' on karaoke, with my friend John, a white dude, obviously, who was also high as fuck. And Southern, so his accent was brilliant." More laughs.

"Oh, another thing I remember from that night is that, after I don't know how many hours into the karaoke thing, I don't know how but OUT OF NOWHERE, I find myself making out... With John. Yeah."

"Then I think to myself: 'Self?' and myself goes 'Hm?' (cuz that is how my head is working at that moment)   
'What are we doing, self? I'm straight.'   
Then the John Mulaney motherfucker answers: 'A head is a head.'"  
More laughs from the crowd.

"Now, I don't quite remember how this whole thing went, but, I know that at some point that night I turned to John and said something like 'Take me home.'" A few "oooh's" from the audience.  
"No, no! You guys got it wrong. He was my fucking roommate, that's why I said that. Yeah. We had just destroyed our friendship by making out high. Yeah..."

"So we got in his car and he drove like 30 in a 60 all the way down the hallway. The best part is that we felt like we were going fast as fuck like, I was inside Fast & Furious motherfucker, having the time of my life, you know. And I'd see people driving next to us like 'HURRY UP IDIOTS!'" He giggled along with the audience.

"Well, when we got into our dorm I passed out in my bad, too much emotion... After, of course, eating every single thing I found in the fridge." more giggling from the audience.

"After that day, John and I discussed the... Events of that night. We came into the agreement of never talking about that..." he pointed the mic at the crowd and heard people completing his sentence with exited "Again!"s.  
"Yeah... I actually got drunk one day with the same friends from that night, including John, and well... I kinda told them. John wanted to punch me, he almost did, actually. Funny day."

"But don't get me wrong, I have this bad habit of oversharing my romantic/sexual life. I know, I probably sound like an asshole but I swear, every time I get to be with anyone it's like a fucking miracle, guys. I mean look at me, I'm the most unattractive thing to a woman: I'm short, ginger, I can't stop talking and I have no fucking free time." the audience snickered.

"But my secret, the only reason I'm not a 30-year-old virgin is that I'm really good at flirting. You know when a woman says that the guy didn't look that nice but he was kinda funny, so she gave him a chance? I'm that guy. So I just bombard the girl with some flirty shit and make her keep eye contact with me the whole time. No baby, don't mind my hair, focus on my Violet-Blue eyes." Alex leaned into the crowd and pointed to his eyes as the people giggled.

"Anyways, I've lost the count of how many love letters and poems I've written. Yeah, edgy I know...  
Oh! I remember that one poem that I wrote when I was like, 14, (which looks like it was 2 years ago,)" people laughed. "About that girl whom I had just lost my virginity to. Yeah, 14... I don't know what goes on in the tropics (I'm from the Caribbean), maybe is the heat, I don't know, but everyone's libido is like... I don't even know how to describe it."

"Anyways, I was in love with her, so I wrote a page-long poem about how beautiful she was and shit like that. But after we had sex, I wrote a small one in addition to the other about the experience I just had had." He laughed awkwardly and covered his blushing face with his hands. The audience laughed at him once again.

"It went like, and I quote:" he blushed harder and cleared his throat "'Celia is an awful little slut;" Hamilton stopped to giggle again.  
"Be fond, she'll kiss, et cetera- but  
She must have all her will;"

"I mean, come on what kind of 14-year-old write shit like that? The poem goes on, more explicit each verse..." more laughter "But thank Gods I got better at this relationship thing, I'm even married!" He showed his alliance around while people clapped and cheered. "Thank you, thanks!"

"I was presenting this show a couple of weeks ago, and when I showed my alliance, some white guy in the back asked me, in the middle of my show, fucking asshole...   
Anyways, he asked me what did my wife thought about me telling crowds of people that I made out with a guy friend...   
Well, I had many things to say to him, like 'It's not as I cheated on her with him, it was many, many years ago and like, I was high, who fucking cares?' but what intrigued me the most was the fact that he assumed I have a wife. (Like, people look at me and think: 'Twink')."

"But guess who the fuck I married, guys? That's right! fucking John." People laughed at this  
"But like, I'm still straight. He is the gay one. It's just the weed, it's the weed..." the audience laughed even more.

He clapped his hands together and went: "Unfortunately, my time is over. You guys were amazing tonight, thank you!" The crowd cheered.  
"Tonight was a special show, cuz it's my 3 year anniversary with John, and it's the first time he sees this show specifically because I think he would be sad if he found out that we're only together due to John Mulaney telling me that a head is a head." people chuckled.

"But the last thing I have to say is: if any of you guys have any eatables tonight meet me and John it the end of the show, thank you very much!" Alexander joked, speaking fast. The audience cheered and clapped as he ran out of the stage, greeting a few people on his way to his table, who liked the stand-up and wanted to congratulate him, and stuff like that.

When he sat he was greeted by John, smiling.  
"So that's what you do when you're not being a lawyer."  
"If can't stop oversharing might as well be paid for it." he smiled back.  
"I liked it." Lauren's chuckled. "Did you?" "Yeah."  
"So... What do you want to do when we get home, to celebrate our anniversary?" Hamilton got closer.  
"We should get high, of course." John grinned as Alexander giggled and held his hand, then looked at the stage as they announced the next comedian.

"Hey, " Laurens said suddenly. "Hm?" Hamilton sipped his drink, looking back to John.   
"Happy 3 years anniversary." He squeezed the shorter's man hand under the table.  
Alexander grinned and kissed him. He was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> This was trash I'm so sorry   
> Thank you for reading! Hope you guys enjoyed :D


End file.
